Anyone who has followed these blogs knows I am a dedicated fan of that game of gentlemen, cricket. I love everything about it and have even been known to watch Outer Mongolia versus Japan in little known backyard tournaments. You may be wondering what girls know about cricket. Well, far more than blokes, it appears. Because blokes concentrate on the game, while there is so much more to see . . .

Men think cricket is all about the sixes and fours and googlies and maidens. Women know its all about that, and a little more. Like the look-and-feel of the game. Now, I love South Africa - which, I feel, is going to take the T20 trophy this year. But who in G-d’s name designed the new uniforms? Pyjamas. Green pyjamas that do nothing to hide that fact that some of our cricketers have become - in the words of an Indian commentator during the IPL - ”Big Units”.

Jacques, that tummy, bud . . . my girlfriends and I are concerned that perhaps you don’t know the dangers of belly fat. Graham, we saw you try to take a catch last night and, while white men usually can’t dance, you can’t even jump anymore! And . . . in the newly designed pyjama uniform, our beloved Jacques and his captain have man boobs. MAN BOOBS! This, boys, is just not cricket. Sure, we all spread a little with the coming of the years and the bigger paycheques, but MAN BOOBS?

New Zealand’s Scott Styrus at least tried to rub his tummy out last night, sliding back and forth between the wickets trying to make it back into his crease. Jessie Ryder hits sixes out of sheer necessity. But it isn’t all about weighty issues. There’s more . . .

By the time a sportsman/woman gets to represent their country, I really feel they should know the words of their National Anthem. Not only do most of the cricketers (from every country) stand there with their lips firmly pinched together while a few try to mime words that don’t exist, some CHEW GUM during the anthem. In the last few years, Graham Smith and Ricky Ponting have apparently been having a competition as to who can chew the biggest wad of gum through an innings . . . but chewing gum through your National Anthem?

Then there’s the spitting. One word for that, boys: Eeeewwww. Some of my males friends have tried to tell me that “sportsmen spit because they have to”, but I’m not buying it. Not all of them spit, but those who do seem to do it spectacularly, on camera. I can’t remember Clive Rice having to spit, or Billie-Jean King, or Andre Agassi, or Gary Player. If the GORGEOUS and talented Chris Gayle ever spits on the pitch, I haven’t seen it. It somehow seems beneath him to whack a gob on the ground that some poor bugger is going to slip in. But that’s Chris Gayle - dignified and terribly sexy (we voted MS Dhoni a close second in the “dignified and terribly sexy” category).

There’s another thing that makes people take a player into their hearts: Humility. The best example I know is AB de Villiers. Came onto the cricket scene hungry to learn and truly humble. Having proved himself to be one the best batsmen (and fielders) in the world, he’s still humble. Unlike another new member of the team who shall remain nameless, but who appears so arrogant, a certain KP may lose the title to him . . .

It’s one thing being competitive, but to be the newbie on the block and yell at Anil Kumble during the IPL . . . well, that just not cricket either. Stick around a bit, sonny . . . prove yourself over a few years, learn to crack a smile when you do take a wicket or hit a six. There is great power in humility - and having the general public like you!

Back to the uniforms. Can anyone tell me why “Brand Australia” has more colours that the South African flag? Green, yellow, green and yellow, Victoria Bitters Blue, light blue . . . and now, lime green in places. Every time you see the team, it’s wearing someone else’s colours. If Coca Cola changed its colour every few weeks, it certainly wouldn’t have the brand status it’s got. Perhaps they’re trying to find a combination of colours that blend with “Sure Ain’t What We Used To Be, Bruce”.

See, blokes? There’s a whole lot more to cricket that scoring runs and taking wickets . . . though maybe it’s just a girl thing.

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